The Commencement Speech Professor Toilet Should Have Given


No one actually invited Professor Toilet to give a commencement address this year. Which is no reason not to give it.  No one asked for a toilet blog either, but here you are.

Graduate, as you head out into the world, here are 10 things you always need to remember:

1.    Finding a good flush will be easier than finding a good spouse.  Unlike spouses, toilets are independently tested to verify performance.

2.    Water isn’t endless.

3.    When you do settle down, spend less time and money on your china pattern and more on the most important chinaware in your home:  your toilet.

4.    Two words: siphonic action.

5.     For Pete’s sake, if your toilet ever does clog, don’t pretend you don’t know and let it keep going so that it ruins the bathroom, the floor, the ceiling of the floor below and 10 or more people’s days.  Take your plunger and responsibility in hand when duty, literally, calls you.

6.    You can find a lifetime commitment.  There are toilets out there with lifetime warranties.

7.    Control yourself.  You can have multiple shower heads. But you can’t have multiple showerheads, a lush green lawn in the desert and expect to wash your car every day.

8.    Regarding eating, drinking, and most anything else that is fun doing, see #7

9.    Science is good. The scientific and mechanically gifted minds who innovate and install plumbing systems in our homes and building systems  really do protect the health of our nation.

10.    Finally, before touring Europe this summer, learn the difference between a bidet and a water fountain.

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