May
10

Five Toilet Questions with Connecticut NPR Host Colin McEnroe

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colin mcenroe

Colin McEnroe hosts a talk show on the Connecticut Public Broadcasting Network and today, it’s all about toilets.

But first, Professor Toilet turned the tables and asked Colin a few questions:

Professor Toilet:  How do you feel about the toilets in your home?  Do your toilets work well?

Colin McEnroe:  NO! I have a nagging, epic sense of of what Goethe called Toiletteschmerz (toilet sadness.) Neither one of my toilets really gets the job done. In fact, there’s a huge undocumented class of Americans who have to flush the toilet twice every time they poop. The U.S. Census Bureau should be asking about this.

My toilets are not cutting edge eco-toilets. They’re sort of the opposite. They’re old toilets that don’t work that well. Of course I, as toilet depositor, am old and don’t work that well either. So it’s the Circle of Life.

Professor Toilet:  Indeed it is.  What do you think of toilets that use less water?

Colin McEnroe: You mean really good toilets that flush with less water, right? See above. Asking me that is like asking some Neanderthal who hasn’t really mastered the art of making fire what he thinks of gas grills. I’m stuck in a previous toilet evolutionary period from the one you’re talking about.

I totally approve of water saving toilets, but they are, right now, a distant dream for me, like flying cars.

PlungerProfessor Toilet:  Do you own a plunger? And why, for Pete’s sake?

Colin McEnroe: I own a plunger for the same reason everyone else does: in case I am ever called up, hastily, to audition for a Three Stooges remake.

Actually, I’m pretty good with a plunger. I don’t want to go into details, but there’s something kind of orgasmic about the release that comes at the moment when effective plunging realizes its goal.

I can’t believe I wrote that.

Professor Toilet:  Neither can we. And far be it from us to suggest other ways to achieve orgasmic release.  Just so you know,  you don’t really need a plunger when toilets like the Champion 4 can take down 1,000 grams in one flush.  That’s 2.2 pounds, equal to about 66 chicken nuggets.

Tell us, does your toilet suffer from skid marks?

Colin McEnroe:  I’m not sure toilets can suffer.  But if they do suffer, that raises the question of whose fault it is. Is there something wrong with the way the mark-maker poops? (Bad angle?)

I’m dodging the question.

Professor Toilet:  It can happen in the best of families when they are stuck with the worst of toilets.

Finally, you say your show  is about “Giving you something new to laugh about in your car and talk about over dinner.”  Will you make an exception on the dinner thing for this topic?

Colin McEnroe: My recommendation would be that this topic should be resolved, one way or another, in the car.

Listen live today at about 1:20 ET for Colin McEnroe and James Walsh to continue the toilet talk.

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