Celebrate Bad Poetry Day with Professor Toilet for a Chance to WIN!


If you’re a poet and didn’t know it, this contest’s for you!

As a personal fan of toilet humor and the arts, Professor Toilet was beyond thrilled to learn of National Bad Poetry Day (August 18th); an annually celebrated holiday that celebrates terrifically terrible verses and the not-so-gifted poets behind them. This year, we want to recognize all of you closet bards by presenting you with a challenge with a fabulous prize to the best (bad) poem. All you need to do to enter is submit one Haiku or poem about the prize of your choice (see below for options). Here’s an example Haiku with a dash of toilet humor:

Mother Nature Calls
American Standard Answers
Champion in my stall

Think you have what it takes to create some terrible verses and make Professor Toilet and his team laugh? Here’s How to Enter:

To enter to win either (1) Champion PRO Right Height Elongated Toilet in White OR (1) Quentin Widespread Faucet and (1) FloWise Traditional Showerhead in Polished Chrome, leave a comment on this post with your original poem (Haiku, Acrostic, etc.) about the prize of your choice. Limit 5 entries per person.

Professor Toilet and his team will choose their favorite entry on Monday August 19th, 2013 as the winner,  so hurry and enter before August 18, 11:59PM ET.  No purchase necessary to enter or win. Must be U.S. resident (50 states or D.C.),  21 or older, to participate.  Good Luck!

Update: Congratulations to Jackie S. who submitted the following poem:

Champion Pro I love you so,
you flush like no toilet I know,
You flush a phone, a toy a ball,
you keep on flushing through it all.

When someone buys a pro like you,
They help the needy people too.

You stand so tall,
and very proud,
you are a toilet to keep around.

Professor Toilet and his team loved reading through your hilarious and creative entries. Thank you to all who entered and stay tuned for more toilet news and tips on the Professor Toilet blog!

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Oh porcelain god you are the master crapper im so glad that they invented you because you make me become a better thinker, you are so clever you make me feel better.every now and then i just come here to sit sometimes even write letters.

Lorraine Clayton
August 5th, 2013 at 1:20 pm

Haiku for the non-working toilet

I flush with no end.
Curse my fate again!
Alas, I am forced to plunge

I would love to win Champion PRO Right Height Elongated Toilet with my bad poetry.


Champion who are you?
You take my crap my water too
You never run you’re built to stay
Oh Champion I am glad you got a raise

Champion PRO Right Height Elongated Toilet


The chrome goose neck pose,
Sensing life in the master’s hand,
Comes alive and water flows

Jackie Steinacher
August 8th, 2013 at 8:07 am

Champion Pro I love you so,
you flush like no toilet I know,
You flush a phone, a toy a ball,
you keep on flushing through it all.

When someone buys a pro like you,
They help the needy people too.

You stand so tall,
and very proud,
you are a toilet to keep around.


I used to squat each night and day,
And, hope one flush could carry my efforts away.
But, word now comes of a Champion Pro,
The mighty,right height, toilet to know!


Naked Am I
FloWise Clean
Care to See?

FloWise Traditional Showerhead


Toilet Humor!!

Let’s do the Dew Dew
In a Champion Pro or two.
While we are at it let’s see
If we can just “P”

Rose Merriwether
August 8th, 2013 at 2:29 pm

Unwashed Salad
Makes me sit on the Champion Pro
Whoooosh! Now I’m better


Ode to the Toilet

I plan to win a Champion PRO Toilet

I hope nobody else writes so bad as to “Foil it” (my plans, that is)

My dreams and desires are often quite haughty

But my current dreams now are focused on the potty

I ponder the wonders of modern plumbing

As thoughts about flappers and flanges in my head* are drumming (*pun intended)

Whether white or blue, antique or new

Thinking of toilets is just what I do do* (another pun, less pronounced)

I sit on the throne and I often do ponder

Thinking about toilets out in the great outer yonder

Do UFO’s have such advanced bathroom features?

What do toilets look like for these alien creatures?

Do they sit on a seat and dangle their feet?

Do they hang from the ceiling which might be quite a feat?

Do they efficiently conserve their water?

Or do they burn hydrogen as their toilet fuel fodder?

This poem could go on for “oh quite a while”

But that is not really my “general style”

I’ll keep this poem short and sweet

And yes I know, it’s too long for a Tweet.

Jerry McCarty
San Antonio, TX
The Bathroom Poet


Ode to the Crapper

C is for the Vitreous China

R is for Robust metal trip lever & metal shank fill valve

A is for Accelerator™ flush valve

P is for the PowerWash® rim

P is also for the Plentiful 9″ x 8″ water surface area

E is for EverClean® surface

R is lastly for the Rim height of 16-½”

Jerry McCarty
San Antonio, TX
The Bathroom Poet


Happy Endings

Here I sit all joyful and happy

I came to this bathroom feeling all crappy

I sat down to cry but what did I see

A beautiful American Standard Champion Pro toilet so shiny and new

I knew then what I really must do

I pulled down my pants and I sat on the seat

It was so comfy as I looked at my feet

My duty was done in a very short time

I won’t give you the details but it all came out fine.

Jerry McCarty
San Antonio, TX
The Bathroom Poet

Rose Merriwether
August 9th, 2013 at 1:17 pm

Summer Sun
Stinky in the heat
FloWise showerhead washes it away and makes it sweet

Rose Merriwether
August 9th, 2013 at 1:48 pm

Question for you
Unfamiliar with bathroom products
Ever tried American Standard
Nobody makes a better product
Top quality,low cost
I would recommend them
No other bathroom brand compares


Although you’re proud of what you’ve done,
To leave it there would not be fun,
Mom has taught you what to do,
Flush it down when you are through!


Standing o’er Allbrook
I watch my steaming stream flow
And sigh at the sight.

Sitting on Cadet
I strain and scream, my bowels
Locked inside, no go.

Sitting on Cadet
Poo comes out at breaking pace
Whew, what a relief?


Got a Champion
Had me a situation
Got that thing handled


I sit down on it
A place to reflect and think


round, white, shiny, sleek

a place to reflect, refresh

a bowl, a tank. Genius.


Spring rain comes down hard
Not as nice as a shower head
Shiny chrome Flowise


powerful champion,
visiting the mighty loo
makes me think of you


FloWise, great river.
Wash over me. Less water…
Yet I feel all fresh.


Midnight Stomach Ache
There’s no need to fear
The Champion toilet is here.


Right Height,
Toilet bright–
Your porcelain gleams,
Urine all my dreams.


If you want to get the inspiration for your day…
Use a Champion!
Where everybody feels better and better…
Use a Champion
Where the best ideas flow through…
Use a Champion


i think its super as i sit on the champion pooper
i can read a book of the day
but then i get sad and
downright mad
when im done poopin and
book is just only just underway


Dirty face, Dirty hands

I scrub, I rub I don’t have time for the tub.

I hope with help from soap and with water from my widespread American Standard faucet

No one else will mind that I didn’t have the time to rub a dub dub and scrub in my tub.


O Quentin, spread wide your arms, oil-rub’d.
Embrace the world. Let waters flow, glub, glub, glub.


Flowise, rain down on me.
My body is parched as the Gobi.
Let your waters be the ocean, the sea.
Just hold on while I get my robi.


I flush my Champion Pro. Whush!
So little water, so much rush.
And because the Right Height is so very tall…
It’s almost like having my own Niagara Fall.


Not original but a favorite from an outhouse I saw as a young kid.

Here I sit among the vapor,
Waiting for some toilet paper,
How much longer must I linger?
Before I’m forced to use my finger.


I read the directions now. So here is an original effort:

There once was a toilet named Champion Pro,
Who uses 1.28 gallons you know,
Down would sit a big ass.
Depositing 70% more mass.
A push of the lever, it’d always go with the flow.

Note: Bad word helps this be bad poetry


Professor Toilet is not just a disguise
He once recommended to me a FloWise®
A guy called The Fonz
Said, “get the Oil Rubbed Bronze”
That showerhead showed my dirt it’s demise!


There once was a woman from Nantucket,
Who wanted drip free performance filling her bucket,
She lusted for a tall crescent spout,
Showing a little duck mouth pout.
She said, “Prolonged contact with water, so suck it!”

(duck mouth pout) is real google it!(images) I’m getting tired so bad ending.



T hose who think peeing is easy,
O h are they wrong.
I try not too
L ose the battle with my bladder but
E fficiency is key when hitting the rim, someday I will,
T ame the mighty beast.


My bathroom, traditional as can be,
Is where I poop and also pee.
I finish my wipe and flush all away,
Thank you American Standard, you never betray.
One push of the handle does just the right thing,
No marks left behind; my toilet is clean!
Next, to kill germs on my hands,
I Wash them with soap and the best faucet brand.
The Quentin two-handle is brass in appearance,
The spout even swivels for more water clearance!
It’s performance drip-free and so economical,
The money I save is, well…..astronomical!
Its smooth crescent handle is guaranteed for life,
Leaving no doubts, no worries, or strife.
With all of the perks this spout presents,
My envious friends, I cannot resent.
Be jealous no more, and don’t you forget,
The Quentin faucet makes a great bathroom set.


When it’s time to relieve the pressure,
High performance is the only answer.
Make sure I hit the rim or
Mom will make me PowerWash the bowl clean.


F un with water I do have
A ll my friends are jealous.
U ltimately washing my hands is a must.
C lean and
E fficient I try to be
T rust no one but Quentin by American Standard I do.


Tall and wide you may be,
Yet I know you can swivel to make me clean.
I spread my dirty hands wide,
For your WaterSense spout to make them sparkle with pride.


Flowise brings the rains.
I step into its bounty…
Then shave my armpits.


O Quentin, spread wide your arms, oil-rubb’d.
Embrace the world. Let waters flow, glub, glub, glub.


We All want to enjoy when we go.
So that’s why I want to win a PRO
I want to feel a relaxing number one or two
Not a lousy time that leaves my buns black n blue.
Please forgive the lousy poetry
And professor, remember to pick me!!!

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