Toilet Humor

Posted: 11.20.2009

Celebrating World Toilet Day – The Big Squat

You may have thought the Professor was kidding about doing the Big Squat in honor of World Toilet day.

You would have been wrong.

One of our agency partners, Zeta Interactive, got into the mood big time:

The Big Squat from Zeta

While there’s nothing better than a bunch of creatives with a good toilet story, the Big Squat had a serious purpose: to help raise awareness for the 2.5 billion people who don’t have access to sanitation.  Organized by the World Toilet Organization (the other WTO), donations to the cause are accepted here.

Posted: 10.22.2009

Massive toilet waterfall – Boing Boing

Massive toilet waterfall – Boing Boing.

Posted: 10.16.2009

Granny in the Toilet – Best Toilet Story

Our fifth and final top vote getter in the American Standard Tell Us Your Best Toilet Story contest and winner of a Champion 4 toilet is Martha Whitlock of Tifton, GA.  For our money, Martha definitely had the best picture!

Granny in the Toilet

What Granny's toilet might have looked like.

When I was a little girl and visiting my Great Granny, all there was to use was an out house…..or at night under the bed was these pretty crock bowls called PeeCans! Well, one beautiful sunny morning during a summer visit, I heard this loud noise followed by the screams of my Great Grandmother……several of my aunts ran out to see what the commotion was about….

{First you gotta understand that this was a rather large robust woman}….well, upon opening the door of the OUTHOUSE….all you could see was feet sticking up in the air swinging back and forth in the air. It seems that when she went out to relieve herself…she had climbed up on the side of the seat to clear some cobwebs and fallen head first into…well, you get the picture and was now stuck head down into heaven only knows what and was stuck.

My aunts called an uncle and they managed to get her unstuck, but out came a sight that I’ll never forget….to this day I am thankful for indoor plumbing away from bugs, smell, cobwebs and the like. My Great Granny used to laugh that it took a tomato juice bath to finally get rid of the awful smell in her hair and on her body. Also, from then on..she never tried to do any climbing. When I ride by her old home place now the house and OUTHOUSE are all torn down and gone….they are finally a thing of the past, but I’ll never forget my great Granny and the spunky woman she was.

More contests to come in 2010!  Fan our Facebook page.

Posted: 10.15.2009

Kindergarten Potty – Best Toilet Contest

Meet Jennifer Martin of  Newport News, VA another high vote getter in the American Standard Tell Us Your Best Toilet Story contest and winner of a Champion 4 toilet.

Kindergarten Potty

I’m a Kindergarten teacher and we have a bathroom in the classroom. One day I noticed that one of the students had been in the bathroom for a REALLY long time, so I asked my instructional assistant to check on him. That’s when one of the other students piped up and shouted, “maybe he’s taking a dump!” While I was trying to contain my laughter, she said, “did you hear me? I said, MAYBE HE’S TAKING A DUMP!” Oh the minds of 5-year-olds!

Dear Jennifer -

Have you seen the American Standard You Tube video about kids, toilets and the Champion 4 Toilet?

Sincerely, The Professor

Posted: 10.14.2009

Bombs Away – Best Toilet Story

Meet Brittany Foster, Pine Knot, Kentucky. Another high vote getter in the American Standard Tell Us Your Best Toilet Story contest and winner of a Champion 4 toilet.

The remains of Brittany's toilet seat.

If I wasn’t in need of a new toilet I would so not tell this story. As of today, my horrible toilet story will now be known by more than the 2 people involved.

It was a Saturday afternoon and I was outside enjoying the beautiful weather while cleaning out my car. Earlier that day I had enjoyed a wonderful Mexican meal with my mother and sister. In the process of cleaning my back window my stomach began to make a horrible noise and with just recently having gallbladder surgery, I knew exactly what this noise and pain meant. I decided to wait it out a few minutes to let it all settle when all of a sudden the cramping overpowered me. I began to run inside when my cell phone, which was placed in my pocket, began to ring. I nervously reached inside my jeans and attempted to hit the side ignore button since my keypad stays locked.

As I ran into the bathroom, there was NO time to turn on the light. I immediately dropped my drawers and with a hard thud landed on the toilet only to find that the toilet lid was down. It made a horrible cracking noise but I managed to quickly lift the lid only to find it broke in 2 pieces, but I wasn’t worried about it then. I threw the pieces up and quickly did my business. Now when I say business, I mean it was WAR!!! Gas bombs, missiles, the whole nines. You would think our house was under nuclear attack.

Finally I finished, after a few minutes I heard this very soft chuckling noise coming from my pants. I hesitated to pick the phone up but when I did, to my HORROR, it was connected to the guy I had just recently started dating. I quickly hung it up in hopes that he hadn’t heard but within a matter of seconds my phone began to ring again. Acting like nothing had happened I said a cheerful “hello” into the phone to only receive a burst of laughter and an “I heard that….I’ll let you call me back cause you may need a while to clean up.” in response. Needless to say, I couldn’t ever look him in the face again.

Posted: 10.13.2009

Craptacular Day – Best Toilet Story

Meet Reem Totonchi of Atlanta GA, the second highest vote getter in the American Standard Tell Us Your Best Toilet Story contest and winner of a Champion 4 toilet.

That was my day, friends. Craptacular indeed.

Should I tell people about this? Maybe I should keep this one quiet...

Whoops a daisy, I put it up on the internet! Waa waa!!!

Lots of stupid things happened to make my day craptacular and to make me an absolute crab all day. No thanks to stupid parents (not mine, the ones I work for) and the cat barfing in 3 different places. But the biggest craptacular thing that happened today involved my sparkling, semi-new, pink cellular telephone. I love that phone. I love making calls on it and waking up to my alarm on it and, especially, playing Jewel Quest on it.

But the thing is, I dropped it again today. And this wasn’t your regular run of the mill, “I dropped my phone on the hardwood floor” drop which happens about five times a week. Oh no. I dropped it in water.

Any guesses to what kind of water? Well you’re probably right. It was toilet water. In the toilet. It was clean, mind you! I mean, nothing was in there except for water, and I’m sure 8 billion germs, but it was mostly acceptable.

I have never in my life stuck my hand down into a toilet faster than I did today. Like, without a second thought. My hand was fully submersed in the toilet. Where people poop. But I had to get my phone, see?

So it was broken for awhile but I think it works mostly now. For awhile though, the main button that leads to all the “features” didn’t work, and neither did the 5 and 6 buttons. Want to know the number to call for repairs? Something like 1-800-331-9656. Its true. I could not call.

Anyhow, I took out the battery and let it dry and all, and turned it back on and it seems to be working okay now but its iffy, so sorry to anybody who tried to reach me tonight. On the plus side, I sent an email out to my family listserve, which involves not only myself, my siblings and parents, but all 10 first cousins, 3 sets of aunts and uncles, and two or three random stragglers on the side. Below is the email I sent, followed by the responses I received within less than 2 hours of sending out the email. I have never felt cooler.

Reem wrote:
Hi family.

I’ll keep this short and sweet.

I dropped my phone in the toilet today. The only detail I will give at this time is that the toilet was clean and nothing was in there except for water. Clean, clear water.

Anyhow, my phone is now broken and unreliable so if you try to call me in the next few days it most likely will not work. The five and six buttons are broken, and I can’t even play Jewel Quest! Totally stupid.

Anyhow, that’s where I’m at. Hopefully I’ll talk to you all soon some otherway. Oh and I can’t text either.

Mom and Dad I will call you from another phone tonight.

xxoo, Reem

Laith wrote:
You’re right…totally stupid. Good luck

Sara wrote:
I recently dropped my phone in the tub at the salon while getting a pedicure. The poor Vietnamese ladies practically screamed and kept yelling at me “Get the SIM! Get the SIM!” Their advice worked- I took the SIM card out and let everything dry out and it works fine now.

Layla wrote:
I had the same problem when I dropped my pager in the toilet. All I did was open up every area I could and let it air dry for 2 days…then I popped in a battery and happy happy joy joy..it WORKED AGAIN!!!

Good Luck Reem!

Samer (who is a boy) wrote:
you know, this reminds me of all the times I’ve dropped so many things in the toilet…bracelets, combs, toothbrushes, and other crap (no pun intended)…but never an electronic device..ill work on that for the awesome experience!
Samer

Lameis wrote:
I’ve dropped it in beer before, it has the same negative effects

Emil wrote:
Wow this family is so supportive. let me just add one thing: when were eating at the Brazilian all you can eat meat place, Luai’s belt buckle broke off and fell in the urinal

Luai wrote:
Oh yeah I totally remember that, that was hilarious, I couldn’t win that day

Posted: 10.12.2009

“It Works As a Phone, Too” – Grand Prize Winner of Toilet Story Contest

The Professor is proud to announce the grand prize winner of the American Standard “Tell Us Your Best Toilet Story” on Facebook.  Emily Horos of Atlanta GA received the most votes, winning a new Champion 4 toilet, installed.  Here is Emily’s story:

It Works As a Phone, Too

I lived in a house with two female roommates, so toilet paper was never in surplus.

One night while watching a movie in surround sound in the living room, I felt the call of nature and exited the room for the adjacent bathroom.

I did my business and reached for some toilet paper before noticing that the roll was empty. No worries. We kept a stock of extra under the sink as this was the only bathroom in the house. I opened up the cupboard only to find it bare as well.

I admit this had occurred in the house previously. So, I pulled up my jeans to minimize the chance of anyone seeing anything and yelled for one of my roommates to bring me some paper. I shouted each of their names several times, but was not heard over the din of our DVD system.

Somewhat dismayed, I settled in to wait. Eventually one of my roommates would need to use the restroom and I would be rescued. But what was I to do in the meantime? Dipping my hand into the right pocket of my jeans, I pulled out my cell phone. A couple keystrokes later, I had loaded Bejeweled onto the screen and was happily passing the time by matching colored gems.

It was at that point I realized my phone, while great for playing games, functioned even better as a communication device. A quick “Help bring tp” text ended my extended trip to the toilet and no one in the house ever went to the bathroom without their cell phone again.

***

Four other entries won second prizes of free Champion 4 toilets.  Each day this week, we’ll post the winning entries.  Read next entry.

Posted: 09.30.2009

Where we tweet: 17% from the toilet!

Where we tweet: 17% from the toilet! – Holy Kaw!

Townsend™ Champion® 4 Right Height™ EL Toilet

If you must tweet from the toilet,  an American Standard Right Height toilet will be a whole lot more comfortable for you.

Please wash your hands before re-tweeting.

Posted: 09.21.2009

Tell Us Your Best Toilet Story – Browsing the Entries

Professor Toilet is highly amused.

Entries are coming in fast and furious and funny for the American Standard “Tell Us Your Best Toilet Story” contest on Facebook.    Random excerpts…

- There was our cat – perched on the toilet, balancing on all four feet – peeing in the toilet. We had never trained her to do that, she figured it out on her own… Never could teach her to flush.

- One day the toilet in the men’s room become clogged (remember, this was a fast food restaurant…the gastrointestinal effects were sometimes pretty quick to manifest themselves)…

- My boy would not pee in a toilet with blue water…

- I was living in Florida with a douche bag and decided to rescue a kitten to keep me company. She, too, realized he was a douche bag and wanted nothing to do with him…

- If I wasn’t in need of a new toilet I would so not tell this story…

- I hauled the (toilet) into the front yard , shoved a hose in, and after just a few seconds, the teeth flew out the bottom onto the grass…

- Working in HVAC…my boss fell through an attic floor.  He landed on the Bathroom counter, as the homeowner was sitting on the toilet, reading his paper. He said he looked at the homeowner, said “excuse me” and walked out the door.

- There’s something else you need to understand. If you’re female, you may not realize that a man “in full stream”, as it were, cannot just immediately turn off the spigot.

- My fiancé has never been able to find a toilet with enough flushing power to handle his ahem loads. At least once a week I know the big toilet-stopping day is upon us when my intrepid man stomps upstairs to our guest bedroom with his giant blue six gallon bucket.

Vote for your favorite toilet story.  The top-five vote-getting entries will win a Champion 4 toilet.

Posted: 09.18.2009

Space Shuttle Flushes the Toilet for All the World To See | Universe Today

Space Shuttle Flushes the Toilet for All the World To See | Universe Today.

Now THIS is a flush.